I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
