He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
