peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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