Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
