I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
