WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Randomize
