Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
