my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Randomize
