kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
