oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
This beer is not sobering me up at all
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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