turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
