There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
