My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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