sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
