Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
