Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
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She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
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Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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