tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
my shit smells like andre
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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