there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
