please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
