Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
i drank out of a bidet.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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