So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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