i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
