taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
