I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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