I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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