If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
