i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love