i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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