im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
how drunk are you?
Several
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
