I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
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Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
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The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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