drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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