That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
