i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
