Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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