just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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