Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
