i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
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He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
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Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me