if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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