Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
