I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
