i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
