Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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