even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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