The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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