I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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