did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
