Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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