On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
