I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Is Oprah even human