When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?