Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.