Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms