they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
