and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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