Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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