forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
