I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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