I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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