she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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