He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
