this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
high people should be assigned attendants
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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